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The FBI isn’t going to contact you unless it’s bad news

This morning I received a very official email, complete with FBI letterhead, logos and even the picture of the writer just below his official signature and title.

Imagine, Robert S. Mueller III, esteemed Director, was taking the time to write to me! (Never mind that Mueller left the position in September, 2013 and James B. Comey took over the office. I mean, maybe, just maybe, the Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division was backed up on paperwork and Mueller was just helping out with the emails? Right? And the J. Edgar Hoover Building in Washington, D.C., has plenty of extra offices where somebody can do some much needed volunteer work. Right?)

And the message, wow! Make that WOW!

Mr. Mueller himself wanted to make absolutely sure that I was fully up-to-date on global intelligence (how upstanding is that?) because I, little old ME, might possibly be experiencing difficulty obtaining my National Lottery Winnings from a bogus source! The letter was to advise me that the FBI had confirmed my winnings were 100 percent legitimate and all that was required to complete the transaction and get my gigantic payoff was a change of email contact information. I was instructed to no longer deal with those terrible scam artists who’d hacked into the government systems, but to immediately switch all correspondence to the FBI’s newly appointed ATM Director, Miss Beth Storbo, because she was going to personally monitor all further dealings.

What a lesson this marvelous email provided. It was absolutely clear that our government had my behind. They were looking out for me. They were also carefully budgeting by using email rather than expensive postage stamps and saving even more by doing all notification and processing work out of Vanuatu, an island in Malaysia.

If you are shaking your head and saying, “Doesn’t this idiot Kim chick realize that nobody ever falls for this @#$%&+ anymore?” Stop shaking and get ready for a reality check.

SPAM email is cheap. All it takes is a Third World employee being paid $1 a day to send out massive numbers of emails to (primarily) people in First World countries. The theory is that if a million worm hooks are dropped in the ocean, an occasional fish will be hungry enough and stupid enough to bite. Contrary to belief that nobody could possibly be that dumb, the proliferation of these emails continues because some people really ARE that dumb.

Here’s today’s S&S (Short and Sweet) SMART lessons:

1. If you didn’t enter, you did not win.

2. If you did enter, you probably still did not win.

3. The director of the FBI does not have time to send you personal emails unless you are in otherwise deep ca-ca.

4. Crooks don’t care if you are a nice person, attend church regularly, brush your teeth twice a day and always remember to send your Mom a birthday card. Crooks just want your money. Period.

5. TANSTAAFL. Always TANSTAAFL. There Ain’t No Such Thing As A Free Lunch.

Drop by the Pahrump Valley Times offices, 2160 E. Calvada Blvd., for a copy of Leslie Kim’s latest book “123 Main Street … the Scamming of America.” Only $19.95 while supplies last.