I knew it, I knew it. There is trouble right here in Pahrump Valley. We are following the national trend.
According to the FBI annual crime statistics, the number of murders committed annually with hammers and clubs far outnumber murders committed with a rifle. Recently, one of our own used a baseball bat to accomplish his terrible deed.
Folks, when are we going to wake up and support the push for a new government department — RAPINE (The seizure of property by force; pillage), Register All Potential Instruments Not Exempted?
Yes, we have the technology. All bats will be fitted with a miniature gyroscope allowing only 10 swings before it self-destructs or has to be reset. Can you imagine the beneficial results, even if it does slow down the game it was really intended for? And for hammers — can you see how the same technology would have saved those two folks the Las Vegas citizen recently admitted killing?
The hammer could have a safety switch on the internal gyroscope that could only be activated by the government certified, electrified, pasteurized foreman of a registered government approved job. Any other use would cause the hammer head to turn all rubbery.
Don’t let cost deter us. We recently spent a million dollars each for three super armored, satellite conforming, all encompassing buses for our president-elect to tool around in as he was campaigning — never to be used again.
So what if the price of 10-swing bats and safety-equipped hammers cost us poor slob taxpayers a mere $3,549 each.
Maybe we can get them subsidized like all our congressmen/congresswomen do with their unique, free health insurance and lifetime retirement programs.
Yes folks, we have trouble here in Pahrump Valley, but our all-knowing politicians, bureaucrats and lobbyists will keep us confused and wondering, while picking our pockets and making up more stupid new laws.
Chuck Hackley III